Gimme a Break, Gimme a Break

During the week, Cole is usually the only person I see unless I go to Zumba or yoga. Even if I go, he's usually with me and ends up being the only person I have a meaningful conversation with. When he comes home from his day at work, all he sees is me (usually sitting on the couch watching TV or reading). We've both admitted to it -- sometimes we get tired of seeing each other's face. Lord knows we love each other dearly, but the same circumstances on different days becomes so repetitious that from time to time, we need a break from each other. It's normal to not always want to be together in everything the other does. It's also refreshing to do your own thing and come back knowing that you were missed and missed them. When that caged up feeling starts coming on, split up for the day and enjoy it.

Guys Are Gross

Most girls already know this, but for the ones that don't, you'll soon find out, mwahaha. And for the guys that I'll offend (but know that I understand not all guys are like this), you know it's true.

For starters, girls don't scratch or readjust themselves in public (alright, sometimes we do, but we always check to make sure that nobody's watching). Next, except for one time in high school (and the girl did it on a dare), I have never seen any girl eat anything off the ground. How many times have I seen a guy do that? Many, many times and most of them, the guy was sober. Gentlemen, the thirty second rule isn't something to live by. If it's been on the floor, it shouldn't be in your mouth. Finally, they're sloppy with food. I can't lie -- it's sometimes cute, but Cole can't seem to always get all of his food in his mouth. Our meals always end with crumbs or sauce on the corners of his mouth or stains on his shirts. And I didn't even mention the competition or show of belching and breaking wind. You get my drift though. Like I said, they're gross. Acknowledgement and gradual acceptance of this fact makes life easier.

Remember Why You Love Them

This helps most during the hard times or when your significant other isn't always able to be around you, but it's also useful in the good times. There's something unique about your person and it is probably one of the reasons or things about them that you love. They can make you laugh when no one else can, they don't mind making a fool of themselves, or that they go out of their way for you. It may be the funny poses they strike when they sleep or that they're a genuinely good to the core type of person and only want the best for you and the people around them. Whatever it is, there is at least one reason that you love them. Try to never forget it. It keeps you from ripping your hair out when you get into stupid skirmishes about the toilet seat.

Communication Is Key

This ties in with dealing with issues when they arise, but I'm referring to the basic level. I've seen marriages in which people have drifted apart and it's not always because they no longer have anything in common or picked up new interests. Somewhere along the way, they stopped communicating with each other and that can't happen in a marriage. As important as talking is, that's not all communicating is; listening is up there too. "Hey, baby; how was your day?" is a start, but it actually requires you to listen and respond to what they say. Not only that -- body language is important. It shouldn't look as though you're forcing yourself to do something unpleasant. You shouldn't have to be reminded, but remember that you love them. Taking a genuine interest in their day to day life should come naturally.

Deal with It ASAP

Of all the people that I know, I'm the most guilty of doing this. Whether it's with Cole or with my friends or family, when someone upsets me, I shut down. I'll stop talking and even if I'm asked what's wrong, I'll say that I'm fine. At first, Cole thought that I was OK when I said I was. Later down the road, that would lead to a bigger problem because he would inadvertently add onto what was wrong to begin with. For the sake of time, cut to the chase. Express what bothers you when it happens and work through it then and there (if possible; try to never argue in front of people). It's much easier than shouldering resentment. 

Marriage isn't a Naturally Well-Oiled Machine

Anyone that has ever been in a relationship understands that it takes work. Maintenance is required and adjustments are needed every now and then. It doesn't just run itself. No surprise, marriage is the same way. It takes hard word. Some days, you'll be on top of the world and others, you'll be emotionally and physically drained. It has its inherent ups and downs and disagreements, but you've just got to hold on. There are always good days around the corner.

Choose Your Battles Wisely

As I mention all the time, Cole and I tick each other off from time to time. Nothing drives me crazier than when he leaves lights on that he's no longer using. He gets frustrated when I don't want to make out all the time like he does. Sometimes these issues come to a head and have to be dealt with, but as a general rule, if an argument can't be avoided, at least make it over something substantial. Sparring over the toilet seat really isn't worth it. Don't sweat the small stuff.

You'll Go to Bed Mad at Each Other

At our wedding reception, nearly everyone that gave a speech told us not to go to bed mad at each other. Just before everyone had finished speaking, one of my favorite uncles got up and let us know that it was inevitable. And he was absolutely right! Cole and I are capable of ticking each other off to the extent that reconciliation isn't an option before bedtime. I'm not saying it's right; if it all possible, do make up before you go to sleep. Just know that it happens to the best of us from time to time.

He's Got a Fantastic Side Too

Like I've said before, I'll be the first to admit when I'm wrong (or in this case, when I haven't given enough credit). Cole read the written blog entries in my notebook (rough drafts to the actual posts) and felt that I portrayed him as a bad husband. I don't believe I do, but I did notice that I haven't highlighted what makes him wonderful. So, this one's for him.

In the past month, he's done a complete 180 when it comes to the laundry and cleaning; he's starting the loads and folding them all on his own. He's on top of the garbage too. He's recently taken an extra dinner shift during the week (for which he'll go to the grocery store himself). When I'm sick, he's there to ask what I need and what he can do. He's always given me full body massages whenever I ask him and watches my trashy shows without too much complaint. He listens to me vent and supports my decisions. He makes me laugh and is the first there when I cry. Most important, I can see and have no doubt that he loves me.

I'm Married, not Dead pt. 2

Just because I'm married doesn't mean that I don't want to go out with my single friends. I wasn't in Florida long after I got married, but I did notice that offers to go out stopped coming or plans often fell through. Sure, some of it was my fault and things do happen, but there was a trend. Believe that I have no problem leaving Cole to his own devices for the night; he would love to get rid of me for a few hours as well. However, with that being said, double dates are not all I'm interested in either, especially if the other couple bickers the whole time. It's a little tricky to explain, but once there's a permanent significant other in the picture, activities tend to change a little. This is why you want to keep your true friends as close as you can.

I'm Married, not Dead pt. 1

Hello readers,

Sorry for my hiatus! Ironically, Cole and I got into an argument about the blog. Everything's back to normal now and so I continue. Thanks for reading! - Courtnee

This lesson is a word for word quote from one of my amazing former managers. Context - the manager, a co-worker, and I are working and a good looking guy comes into the store. Naturally, we take notice and make a few comments among us. The co-worker jokingly chides the manager because she is happily married. She (the manager) answered with "What? I'm married, not dead." It was hilarious, but also so very true in a couple of ways. No harm has ever come from an innocent look. Cole is free to appreciate good looking women and I'm allowed to notice good looking men. There's no jealousy because both of us know it's all innocent. At the end of the night, we know where each other is going to be.

...And Your Enemies Far Away

Wait, that's not how the saying goes! Well, I think it should. One thing I've learned from life that has helped with my understanding of marriage is that it is impossible to please everyone at all times. No matter what you do, there will always be someone talking nonsense about you. Negative thoughts easily turn into a voice and that voice tends to give way to actions. Just for sake of sanity, try to stay away from these people. As long as you and your significant other are happy, nothing else should matter. Between you and me, sleep comes much easier at night when there's nothing on your mind.

Expect Sleepless Nights

Yes, I was supposed to continue yesterday's post, but last night reminded me of this lesson. As a teenager, remember your mom telling you that she couldn't sleep until you got home from being out with your friends (yet, you walk in the door and she's passed out)? Marriage works the same way. Every now and then, Cole has to work overnight and I may nod off, but I never get a good night's sleep without him being home. Now, there are those nights and nights like last night when my dear husband claims 89% of the bed. His being 6'6" naturally raises this problem for us and usually it's resolved with a gentle nudge. However, last night, he spread out from side and side and couldn't be moved. Suggestions? If it's a choice between your sleep and waking him up, just go ahead and nudge harder. Nobody's their nicest when they're tired.

Keep Your Friends Close...

This one isn't about our relationship, but ones I've seen from time to time. I hate hearing about relationships in which someone has to choose between a friend and their girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse. Nobody has the right to put somebody in that situation (except maybe your parents; they always know what's best...ish). Sure, there may be that ONE person your significant other just cannot stand, but guess what? They don't have to be around them (by the way, I'm talking about the good influence, nice people kind of friends; not the people that use you and convince you to do bad things; you know you shouldn't hang around them anyways). Your friends keep you grounded and serve as the lended ear or shoulder to cry on when you need them most. They also keep you from killing your significant other when they leave the toilet seat up and you fall into the bowl in the middle of the night (yes, it's unfortunately happened to me). If someone's insecurities require you to end a healthy, needed relationship with someone you've known for a good amount of time, your choice should be an easy one.


PS ~ While we were dating, an ex of mine told me that I'd have to choose between him and Cole, who was just a friend at the time. We all see how that turned out =P


~ To Be Continued~

Raised Differently, Think Differently

I've touched on this before, but I'm going to further elaborate on this idea. Cole and I grew up on two different spectrums so we tend to see and do things differently. When we first moved in together, I was surprised to see him throw colors and whites in the laundry together because I'd always washed my loads separately. He was grossed out that I used washcloths and towels a couple times before washing them. I was confused that he referred to the remote control as a "clicker" and a car's directional as a "blinker." The first few weeks were a small scale culture shock, but it was interesting and sometimes fun trying to get on the same page. Almost seven months later, we're finally adjusted (all to his way of doing things, coincidentally).

Do Something Special for Them on a Regular Basis

For those that don't know him well enough, Cole has a ridiculous sweet tooth, especially when it comes to cake, cheesecake, and chocolate. Taking this into consideration, I started a tradition this year of baking something for him on the 12th of every month. January was a pistachio cake (my family favorite), February was red velvet (which was tossed out and gave way to dark chocolate cheesecakes), and March is pistachio again in respect to St. Patty's Day. It's small, cheap, and relatively easy to do, but it's just my little way of showing some consideration and love.

MAKE Time for Date Night

As I've mentioned before, Cole works long hours and our only uninterrupted time together is either a couple of hours during the weeknights or the weekends, and even then, other things will occasionally interfere. However, we found a solution -- no matter what, there will always be time for a date night. Even if it's just once a week or every other week, get dolled up and go out to dinner and a movie. Or stay in and have a candlelit dinner in your PJs. Whatever it is, do what you have to in order to have that special night to enjoy spending time with each other.

Words Can't Be Taken Back

I can speak on this, not yet from marriage, but life in general. Anger and simple jest can stir up so many negative actions, dispositions, and words from within us, and once they're out, they're unfortunately never coming back. Some things can't be apologized for and many more things will never be forgotten. Everyone's heard the saying about being given two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you speak. Really think about what you're about to say before you speak and never say anything out of spite.

Keep Pepto in the Medicine Cabinet & Domino's on Speed Dial

I'm no Racheal Ray or Martha Stewart and that was clearly evident in my first few home cooked meals (I'm just now getting over my hate-hate relationship with chicken). I won't go into specific details, but my chicken dishes were inedible, yet charred on the outside. I always found it funny how that works. And the smoke those dishes would put off! Let's just say that the smoke detector would let my neighbors know when I was cooking. Other days, the things I would cook would run straight through us. In both instances, one of the following two has saved me -- Pepto Bismol and the local Domino's. I strongly advise having access to both.

After Work Stress Isn't Directed at You

After 10-12 long hours spent working, Cole will occasionally come home and say or do something that isn't like him. His tone will be different, he'll answer anything I say with short responses, or he'll be downright rude for no apparent reason. It was hard at first and I'm still learning not to take what he says or does to heart. He doesn't mean to be Mr. Uptight; he just needs some time and space to clear his head. It's best to stay out of his way for an hour or so.

I Have My Faults Too

I've always been raised to admit when I'm wrong and so I do. Being married has shown me that although Cole does the craziest things that drive me banana sandwich, I have to admit that I'm guilty of doing the same to him. Towels have to be folded a certain way, I'll join the garbage Jenga game, and I'll admit that I occasionally hog the radio station (he also says that I don't kiss him enough and won't take out the garbage). However, we find our balance and deal with it.

Food Will Always Taste Better if Someone besides You Makes It

Almost every Sunday morning, I make scrambled eggs, bacon, and cheese sandwiches for Cole and myself. They're simple to make, but a little time consuming. Cole's more than capable of making them for us if he wanted, but I'm always the one behind the stove. I will admit that I'm guilty of it too though. His taco salad tastes better than mine (it would if I ever made it). It's not laziness. There really is something about someone else's food that tastes different than yours (and by different, I mean better in most cases; also, it'll taste better off their plate).

Indulge Yourself Daily

To me, "indulge" has always been synonymous with "lavish, extravagant spoiling", so you can imagine how surprised I was to find out it only means to yield to wishes or desires. Either way, think about how much of your day is spent with or doing things for other people. Even if you stay at home all day, the day is never really yours. There's always something to be done. Sometime between the busy moments, find time to do something for you (idea first introduced to me by my mother-in-law). It doesn't have to be huge; just something you picked for yourself to enjoy. For me, that's snuggling up with a large cup of milk and Oreos. Cole likes to play his video games; a close friend of mine likes to look at cloud formations from time to time. It may seem insignificant, but really when was the last time you did it?

Sometimes All You Have to Do Is Ask

As I've mentioned before, I'm usually very passive. Suggestive at times, but most often, I'll just watch to see what happens. On the weekends, my wonderful, handsome husband has a habit of taking his time to do the household chores. Trash will start to pile up on top of the trashcan, dishes will slowly clutter the counters (he doesn't put them in the sink for some reason), and clothes will overflow from the washing machine (it serves as our hamper for the time being). Instead of dealing with it then and there, dear Cole has a habit of wedging one more bottle into the garbage Jenga. He'll "use the same cup later" and leave his dirty clothes on the floor because there's no more room in the washer. I used to get SO mad about it too, but I've learned that if he's asked to do something about it, he will (and most times without sassing me first). Sure, some things he should just do naturally, but I'd rather just ask and maintain my sanity than sit around until he finally gets bothered by it.

Cherish the Little Things

Sure, everyone says it, but nobody really does it until the little thing presents itself or the absence of it becomes noticed. I'm not necessarily talking about the "I love you"s and flowers "just because" (although they are nice). I mean that arm of your loved one finding your body in the middle of the night and squeezing you tightly to them. The dimples your person gets when they really smile. Their unique scent that you catch a whiff of from time to time. The really little things. Take a few moments out of each day to appreciate and enjoy them.

Race Doesn't Matter (To Us)

Let me preface this by saying that I know that there are people that don't think the same way that I do. I also want to say that I don't mean to offend. With that being said --

Three posts in and we're already getting to the heavy stuff. This would've undoubtedly come up, but a friend's question about her similar circumstance pushed me to do this now. For the sake of easy reading, I'll do this in a Q&A format.

How did our families take to us dating/getting married? Differently. His family was...apprehensive at first. The stereotype had been planted from early on and it stuck, but not as strong with the younger generations. To get past it, I let (made) his family know me. I'm not the lazy, thuggish, baggy jeans, living off welfare, listening to rap music too loud person they had in their minds. (In fact, as I've seen it, most people aren't how they're portrayed to be.) And you know what? They love me now. My family was a little different. Up front, they were fine (Jamaica's always been racially diverse and accepting), but the older generations "felt uncomfortable" at first. Once they got to know him, they came to love him too.

Is it really still an issue? Yes and no. For some people, it still is and always will be. It saddens me to still be asked how I deal with stares and the opinions of others. (Cole's wise piece of advice - "f*** 'em")

Does it get to me? Depends on the day. I'm usually very passive, but if I had my Wheaties that morning, people may get their unfriendly stares returned.

Would I change anything? A thousand times no. Our skin color has never been a factor in our relationship; neither of us really "sees" it. I don't love him any less because he doesn't tan as well as I do. I love him for who he is. Whether he'd been born white, black, Hispanic, Asian, or green, he and I both hurt, love, laugh, and cry the same.

If anyone has any more questions about our experiences or wants advice, please feel free to ask.

Don't Scare Someone in the Shower

Just by nature, the shower makes you vulnerable. Your vision's blurred by steam, soap, and/or shampoo and not to mention you are naked. Psycho flashback, right? Cole's never seen the movie and thought it would be funny to silently move the curtain and poke his face in. All I saw were his foggy glasses. Reflexively, I punched him in the face and caught him right in the mouth. He's alright, but probably won't be doing that again. And with good reason -- I've got a hell of a right hook.